Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Insecure.

Perhaps tonight is just one of those nights.

When the room is dark, and the world around me falls asleep, my mind starts to wander. It could have been my heart doing the thinking, since I get especially fragile and my mind is all over the place. I keep thinking about all the bad things that have happened, those that are happening at the moment, and possible horrible things that are GOING to happen.


I get worked up, depressed and I cry.


Yeah, I am an overthinker, just in case you have not picked this up. The blog's title "The Things That Go On In My Head" should be a very good clue, but you know, I tend to digress and write about things that don't really go on in my head.


I'm beginning to sound sappy and lame, but yeah, I have times when I let my guard down and just break down.

Sometimes I just think to myself, why are all these happening to me? Everyone says that all that have happened just serve to teach me some sort of lessons in life, or be a wakeup call to start living, or just plain karma. Everyone has to learn, and we have to start somewhere. So maybe Someone up there just messes around with our lives to give us a pointer or 2 about the meaning of life.

I think I have learnt enough for the past year. I lost a dear friend who will always remain irreplaceble. I completed my basic education. I experienced a relationship that failed because of different goals in life. I learn that sometimes, love is just not enough. Or maybe there just isn't enough love, I don't know.

I felt the need to define my life. I DEFINED what I want in life. I have had so much setbacks. I was backstabbed by someone I considered a friend. I have learnt to become wary of people around me. Especially people I love, since the greatest hurt will come from them.

I think I have learnt enough.


After moping about the past, I think about the future pessimistically.

What if I don't like my job? Should I just soldier on?
What if he leaves me?
What if he leaves me for someone else?
What if he leaves me just because I can't be there?
What if he doesn't really love me, not like the way that I do?
Where is everything going?

What am I doing with my life?


I get overwhelmed and I cry. This is almost like a ritual to me. I do this at least once a week, when I think no one is watching. People think I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of girl who doesn't give a thought about her own future.The girl who is so cavalier, it seems as if she doesn't really care or give a hoot about anything.

How wrong they are.

I just look cavalier because I have given serious thought to stuff, cried and have gotten over it. Or sometimes come up with a plan to go about doing things, which just explains why I'm not panicky when crisis occur.

Of course I still get overwhelmed, as witnessed by everyone by the turn of events recently. I have foreseen it, and I thought I could get over it or ride it out. I thought everyone would be open and rational enough to accept things. Obviously I was way wrong and boy was I caught in a huge storm. It was a bumpy turbulent time, but I did survive, didn't I?

Now with the family situation, I am doing everything I can. I am trying to keep my chin up because that's the only way to go.

I am thinking too much again. I need words of comfort, support and encouragement more than anything now.

I feel insecure. I need him.

Perhaps tonight is just one of those nights.


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