Sunday, September 24, 2006

Night shift, mellonphobia, mental preparation, support and fears playing out in my head.

I am losing my mind, if I am not wrong.

(Nah.. that's just my crazy talk.)

I pulled my first ever night shift from 1am yesterday and frankly speaking, I crashed the moment I got home. I don't think I am cut out for this kinda weird shifts. I just milled around the apartment today because I am simply not in the frame of mind to go out. Plus I look far too tired and I don't want to scare the public with my "dead zombie" look.

-- Corpse Bride.


Anyway I spent sometime and Googled the Greek word for "future" because I want to add something to my list of phobias/ problems.


I have an irrational fear about the future.

(No... it's not a phobia of melons.)

(I actually Googled for a list of phobias that is available out there. Whoa.... Apparently I am not the only paranoid nutcase out there. In fact, I pale in comparison to all these people. )


Abuse: sexual- Contreltophobia. (Urm.. no one wants to be sexually abused so I'll give you that.)
Accidents- Dystychiphobia. (Same as above. No one wants to get into accidents.)
Air- Anemophobia. (So... you mean you stop breathing because you fear air..?)
Air swallowing- Aerophobia. (Same as above)
Airborne noxious substances- Aerophobia. (Huh...!??!?!)
Airsickness- Aeronausiphobia. (Ok, so you fear the pukish feeling?)
Alcohol- Methyphobia or Potophobia. (Guess there's no chance of being an alcoholic.)
Alone, being- Autophobia or Monophobia. (Is that me?)
Alone, being or solitude- Isolophobia. (Is that still me?)
Amnesia- Amnesiphobia. (Fear of amnesia.. so if you have amnesia, does that mean you forget your fear of it?)

And that's just letter A!

People have PROBLEMS, I tell ya. PROBLEMS.

I thought I was the one going bonkers here. I have plenty of demons creeping under my bed in the dark. And they freak me out. Anyway I think I have trust issues and confidence issues. I am very insecure about everything. So for the sole reason of self preservation, I give plenty of thought in the things around me and the things I do.

For everything I do, I will think of the worst possible cases that will happen so I can be mentally prepared. So that when I am confronted about these cases, or when they do happen, I will not be taken by surprise and get all troubled, depressed and suicidal.

I do this for everything. If I were to say something, or do something, I would have thought of all the worst endings (that comes to my mind). The same thing goes for my job, plans and even relationships.

I have heard so many comments and remarks about my choice of boyfriend. Because of the nature of his job, and the stereotype that comes along with his job, people just assume things and say hurtful things. I have people who cast doubt on our relationship. I have heard far too many unnecessary snide remarks and frankly speaking, I do not need all these.

So do not assume that I am blind and have jumped headlong into things without much consideration.

I am someone who cannot be alone for far too long. And I am struggling to cope with getting an email every other day. Not to mention all my fears playing out like a movie in my head.

I have my fears. Everyday I think about things that will go wrong. Everyday I think about all the missed opportunities. Everyday I think about all my wrong choices. Everyday I think about all the happy endings that will never happen to me.

But I do not regret any of the things I have done.

I honestly fear the future. I am someone who consider a lot of things, so naturally knowing about things make me feel reassured. All the uncertainties in my life are frankly pushing me to the edge. I do not think my sanity is at edge but all I want is just encouragement and support of my friends and family.

Is that just too much to ask?

p.s. Will my neurosis and paranoia drive J away? That's another story for another day.

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