Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Cheerful, hormonal, cynic, self preservation and trust.

Despite life consisting of very very mundane things, I feel slightly more cheerful than before.

I still don't really know why I was feeling so bad previously. I could be seriously hormonal and PMS-ing 24/7 for an indefinite period of time, things could be going badly, I was feeling more insecure than all my 25 years (I'm what?! Fuggedy fug fug!) put together, or life just sucked more than usual.

It could any of these, or all of them hitting me like a ton of bricks. I still have no idea.

Recently I said something to a close friend, sort of "came out of the closet" (finally I can use the gay remark, somewhere) about me being deeply cynical, skeptical and insecure. I guess people just do not see that beneath the crazy girl with a thing for Hello Kitty (she weighs exactly 3 red apples) lurks a very very skeptical person.

-- My love for Hello Kitty runs deep.

From a very bad past experience, people I trusted turned against me or did things that disappointed and hurt me. People learn from experiences, and that's how the thick protective hide/shell/armour came about. I hardly tell anyone about my family, problems or anything of that nature, because god knows who will use all these information to stab you in the back.

I am skeptical like that. You can never be sure of why some people get close to you. It is best that you remain or appear normal, a cookie cutter clone just like EVERYONE ELSE.

-- Which cookie are you?

Even in relationships I remain reserved. Sure, guys profess their undying love, promise the moon and swear on their own mothers' graves that the 2 of you will live happily ever after. Everyone swoons.

Everyone wants a happy ending, but words are just.. words. Nothing more, nothing less. You just learn that everytime someone whom you love fails you, everything that he promised you is just utter rubbish.

-- Utter rubbish

I just think, if he really does love you "till the end of time" and promises to love you "forever and ever, babe" why the hell is he screwing your friend? There's no better way to say "I love you" by proving you are willing to jump my friend? Sex is no accident.

So as much as I want to believe someone, it takes lots and lots of time. In relationships I am Jekyll and Hyde. I adopt a dual personality. A side of me enjoys and revels in all the lovey dovey intoxicating fun. The other side is just hovering somewhere in the background, making notes and passing judgement and always ready to pull the fun-loving side back to safety. I sit on the fence for pretty long to observe and I'll probably inch a little on the fence towards the guy only if I am somewhat convinced.

I call it self preservation.

Some people call it untrusting. I can't help it. If you want me to believe you, prove it.

p.s. Everyday you know me a little better, don't you?

p.p.s. I just realised I wrote NOTHING about why I am cheerful. I really digress, don't I?

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