Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Just a brief update of my life.

It's my 3rd day at work and people are already shoving work my way.

I can't bring myself to write about anything else since I'm so mentally drained. Even the post I posted earlier is written 2 weeks ago.

Soulmate got the ring, and it was almost the same one I wanted.



-- My dream ring.


J says he wants to see the look on my face when I get a ring pull.



-- A ring pull.


Awesome. Things are just great.

Insecure.

Perhaps tonight is just one of those nights.

When the room is dark, and the world around me falls asleep, my mind starts to wander. It could have been my heart doing the thinking, since I get especially fragile and my mind is all over the place. I keep thinking about all the bad things that have happened, those that are happening at the moment, and possible horrible things that are GOING to happen.


I get worked up, depressed and I cry.


Yeah, I am an overthinker, just in case you have not picked this up. The blog's title "The Things That Go On In My Head" should be a very good clue, but you know, I tend to digress and write about things that don't really go on in my head.


I'm beginning to sound sappy and lame, but yeah, I have times when I let my guard down and just break down.

Sometimes I just think to myself, why are all these happening to me? Everyone says that all that have happened just serve to teach me some sort of lessons in life, or be a wakeup call to start living, or just plain karma. Everyone has to learn, and we have to start somewhere. So maybe Someone up there just messes around with our lives to give us a pointer or 2 about the meaning of life.

I think I have learnt enough for the past year. I lost a dear friend who will always remain irreplaceble. I completed my basic education. I experienced a relationship that failed because of different goals in life. I learn that sometimes, love is just not enough. Or maybe there just isn't enough love, I don't know.

I felt the need to define my life. I DEFINED what I want in life. I have had so much setbacks. I was backstabbed by someone I considered a friend. I have learnt to become wary of people around me. Especially people I love, since the greatest hurt will come from them.

I think I have learnt enough.


After moping about the past, I think about the future pessimistically.

What if I don't like my job? Should I just soldier on?
What if he leaves me?
What if he leaves me for someone else?
What if he leaves me just because I can't be there?
What if he doesn't really love me, not like the way that I do?
Where is everything going?

What am I doing with my life?


I get overwhelmed and I cry. This is almost like a ritual to me. I do this at least once a week, when I think no one is watching. People think I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of girl who doesn't give a thought about her own future.The girl who is so cavalier, it seems as if she doesn't really care or give a hoot about anything.

How wrong they are.

I just look cavalier because I have given serious thought to stuff, cried and have gotten over it. Or sometimes come up with a plan to go about doing things, which just explains why I'm not panicky when crisis occur.

Of course I still get overwhelmed, as witnessed by everyone by the turn of events recently. I have foreseen it, and I thought I could get over it or ride it out. I thought everyone would be open and rational enough to accept things. Obviously I was way wrong and boy was I caught in a huge storm. It was a bumpy turbulent time, but I did survive, didn't I?

Now with the family situation, I am doing everything I can. I am trying to keep my chin up because that's the only way to go.

I am thinking too much again. I need words of comfort, support and encouragement more than anything now.

I feel insecure. I need him.

Perhaps tonight is just one of those nights.


Saturday, May 20, 2006

A song tribute to a great weekend.

To the great weekend I had some time ago.


Stars - "Sleep Tonight"



We don't want to sleep tonight
Still young like that I count the lines
Beside your mouth that smiles now
My arms reach up as you go down
With buried heads we both forget
All of the past and its regret
Wind picks up, the window shakes
We won't hear the morning break

You will cry
And I will cry
'Cause all the love's
Alive tonight

Neighbourhoods will try to dream
While you and me we hold and lean
Onto bodies slick and charged
Together just one beating heart
All around us quiet now
We hear the leaves fall to the ground
Morning light upon our bed
An ally while I catch your breath

You will cry
And I will cry
'Cause all the love's
Alive tonight
You will cry...


p.s. I did all the crying.
p.p.s. When I die, I want this song played at my wake.


I must be going mad, seeing myself in a character from a show.

I just read the episode guide of one of the crappy teenage shows I watch. One of life's guilty pleasures.

I was sort of her.

I was the one who wanted to be happy, but everything turned out bittersweet.

I was the bloomin' alcoholic who passed out.

I was that sailor girl.

I just didn't die.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Hospital and be back soon.

Sorry guys. I have been away for the last couple of days because of a family emergency. Spent my days at the hospital. Still at the hospital.

Even my illness came and went without any hiccups. Phew.

My laptop is getting all cranky now. I brought some dvds to the hospital so that I could watch them and not die of boredom when my assistance was not needed. And this piece of crap couldn't detect ANYTHING on the D: at all.

Bloody friggin' hell.

Well normal posting will resume soon. Which probably translates to a sudden surge in the number of subpar posts (like 5 a day), which will quickly dwindle to the occasional one every few days. We shall see.

I'm stealing someone's wireless network at the moment and I don't really know when I'll be back. In the meantime, take care, drink lots of fluids and stay in the pink of health.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Ooops.

I've given away my handmade Mother's Day pressie. Before I took a picture of them.

Crap.



I'll just ask Mom for it later.

Happy, honored and totally freaking out.

"I can't wait for you to come visit and meet my family."

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day, and still making my pressie.

It's Mother's Day today.

Mom is watching her drama on tv. She likes her stories I guess. Dad is watching it with her. I'm not really a fan of tv shows so I'm up in my "day room", surfing on the net or just writing posts like this one.

Totally random. Yet, totally me.

And this is just a typical Sunday morning for the family.


We're going out for a Mother's Day lunch later, and I will give Mom her pressie later. She doesn't like me buying stuff for her because she reasons that

  1. I'm wasting money.
  2. I'm wasting her hard-earned money because I'm still living on a "pocket money" basis.
  3. We don't necessarily share the same taste.
  4. I have this knack of getting her totally cute but useless stuff.

That's why I'm making her a gift! Well I'm still at it because my first attempt totally sucked and I'm re-doing the entire thing again. Will post pics later. I have to focus on the pressie now.

Have a wonderful Mother's Day everyone!


Sidetrack: I tend to be by myself most of the time. Not because I dislike company. Mostly because I like to do my own thing instead of watching tv, and most of my stuff are in my "day room" anyway.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Employment, bubbly, shopping and Marc Jacobs.

People, I am EMPLOYED!

*throws confetti in air, prances around, while weeping tears of gratitude*

I've been trying NOT to write about this for the past week or so. I mean, what is the point of making such an announcement when no contract has been signed? What if the company withdraws its offer and I'm back to square one being the pauper that I am?


But today, times have changed my dearest readers. Yes, you. The 10-12 friends who follow this blog. I am employed and I am moving out soon.

Phase 1 of my Total Independence = Complete.




-- Mmmmm.. bottle of bubbly..


Buy me champagne, house deco stuff and let's hope we don't thrash my house deco pressies while we are drunk on the champagne you have so generously brought over.




I signed the contract yesterday and while I don't know when I will start work, I have been out stocking up on my working wardrobe. Oh, joy! Pure unadulterated joy.


Dropped serious moolah at MNG on Sunday. So many things to buy, but so very unappropriate as well. I mean, I don't think my supervisor is going to be that impressed if I turn up at work looking like prairie girl, or with half my boob out. Note: The latter, is never going to happen.



Bought working pants. It's so goddamn difficult to buy pants. If I get the right cut, they will miraculously run out of my size. If I get the right size and shade, the cut will be all wrong and it is so billowy, I can fit both my calves in a trouser leg.

No pencil skirts in sight either. Plenty of white-ish billowy ones but I have like 3 of those. No navy or black billowy skirts found too. Sigh, The Big Guy Up There has a quirky sense of humour.



-- Me need nice skirt that doesn't make my ass looks bigger than it already is.


I gave shoes a pass (Ed: Gasp!! Is that even POSSIBLE?), since I have many pairs of shoes in black, and urm black. Well, unless we're talking about Marc Jacobs shoes, I'm not succumbing to anything less that Marc Jacobs The Great's creation.



-- Marc Jacob's awesome-ness can be witnessed here.


Maybe I need heels. I'll give that a try. If I don't fall down the overhead bridge when I'm half-walking, half-running to my work place, heels are in. They make me look taller, so that's just fab.

[More on Marc Jacobs in the coming days.]


No more bags for me. Unless it's those prim and proper type that can put heaps of stuff inside. I know me. I need space. And pockets.



-- Something like this.


This semi shopping post is just me trying to get back to my happy days. Will write more after I've done my research!

p.s. All pictures of clothing and shoes are by Marc Jacobs. The bag is from Coach.


Monday, May 08, 2006

Burn, conniving bastards.. BURN!

I get angry. I'm usually mild tempered and the kind of person who silently observes the situation and then come up with a solution without getting all ballistic. I'm probably the last hippy (without the mushroom, rainbow colors and the horrible muumuu) around. I'm that.. laidback.

But all this have sort of taken a back seat recently. I get really pissed off at jerks. And believe you me, I know the greatest jerk who ever lived personally. And 2 words to him.

Fuck off.

How would you feel if people go through your emails without your permission? How would you feel if people set up their email to DOWNLOAD all YOUR emails without you knowing? What is it to them anyway? What do you want by knowing about other people's private lives?


[We all know that Greatest Dickhead Alive is not voyeuristic by nature.]

The worst thing about all this, he reads it, twists your words and stabs you in the back with all that.


What is up with these scheming bastards anyway? Conniving scoundrels like Greatest Dickhead Alive should just fall off the face of earth, and never to be seen again.

I have never felt so invaded and provoked.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Different phases, not compromising dreams and truly happy.

After catching up with a couple of close friends, I realise that we are at different phases of our lives. Well, they are at the same phase while I'm lagging behind. At least 2-3 phases behind.

Not that I'm nervous or panicking about not being at the same phase, I'm just amazed how we are all of the same age, and yet there exists such a huge discrepancy in the stages of our lives. I think about how brave and ready they are to be at that point in their lives, and how I am not ever going to be ready until I have achieved what I have set out to do. For their courage and determination, I'm so happy for them.

Yeah, they are getting engaged. Not to each other, but you know, people in my social circle are starting to get hitched. Not only have they plan on marrying, but the topic of children has been brought up and they are ready for the whole "family" thing. There is even a rough timeline of when they are going to get preggers.


I mean, wow.

I am not ready. And unless I am convinced I am with The One, and he is someone that I am ready to spend the rest of my life with, who will support and encourage me in all my endeavours, and whom I have utmost faith, confidence and love in, (it's a long list) I'm not ready to walk down the aisle and say "I do." Much less have a baby.



-- Lord, no.


I have thought about this very clearly. True, it may have a little premature to be thinking so far ahead when I'm at this stage of my life (jobless and broke) and relationship. But I'm not ready for all this. I am more of the, urm.. dreamy, dropping-everything-to-go-sailing type. I want to do so much more with my life. I still have to fulfil my globetrotting dream.



-- I do love my sailing.


I'm glad I have found someone who is not pressuring me to become who I am not. Someone who understands that I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my life, and still supports me no matter what. Someone who loves me just the way I am, in spite of all my quirkiness. I guess I'm lucky in this aspect.



-- I've chosen my wedding cake.


Before graduating from college, I did not really have the time to clear my head and think about what I want to achieve in life. Not that I have thought about it clearly and have a roadmap or anything, but I know what I don't want. I have taken steps to work towards what I want. There's no point in procrastinating any further because you only live once. And when this window of opportunity closes, when your youth leaves you and ushers in a lifetime of responsibility, it will be too late to start chasing your dreams.

Perhaps some people may think that I am just refusing to grow up and take responsibility like any mature adults do. Whatever, ok. It is my life and I only have 1 shot at this. I do not want to be one of those people who jump headlong into the workforce, get married, pop a couple of children out, and slog like a donkey to pay off all the housing and car loans.

Just because society expects us to.

Just because the whole world is doing this.

At the end of the journey, only to realize that in the end that this is not what I want at all, that would be too late. It would be a great tragedy if we have never set out to achieve what we really want. I don't want to be that person.

I am not saying that my friends are making a mistake. On the contrary, they may have found what they want in life. Some people want to travel (like me), some want to conquer the world, some want to save undernourished folks in Third world Countries. Some just want a family of their own.



-- Beautiful wedding at sunset


And to have this courage, determination to pursue what they really want in life, I am truly happy for the lot of them. May they have all the happiness in the world.

And may all of us live the life we truly want for ourselves.


p.s. but then again, if he DOES pop the question, I won't mind saying yes! With the condition that we go travelling together. No kids yet.

p.p.s. Seriously, that is my wedding cake of choice. Cheapo butter/fruit cake, be damned!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Movies for Summer 2006.

I usually write movie posts at the beginning of the year, but due to my globetrotting duties, I can only sit down and write about those that haven't passed us by.

You know, all the popcorn blockbusters that are probably worth your time and money are usually out in summer. Family oriented movies? December. Because during summer, school's out and what better way to earn the under-20s money by overstimulating their senses with swashbuckling adventures on the big screen? December is the time of Christmas and no one wants to watch people get killed/mauled when it's that close to Xmas. So most PG, G-rated family flicks are shown then.

Enough explanation on how movie releases work. This is my guide to what I'll be watching. I can't say that they are brainy movies, but I can pretty much guarantee that I'll enjoy them. Let's hope you do too.

Without further ado, let me key you in on the Must-See movies for the summer of 2006.


1) The Da Vinci Code
-- May 18 2006



Simply because it's the Da Vinci code. I know I mentioned something about advertising overkill, but I just want to go watch the movie and see where it FAILS the book. It's like reading Michael Crichton's Timeline, only to watch the onscreen adaptation crashed and burnt. For me, the Da Vinci Code will be the disaster that was Timeline. The movie, not the book.


2) Superman Returns
-- 30 June 2006



We all love our superheroes. In times like these when the world seems to be coming to an end (what with the bird flu, hurricanes, volanic eruptions, war on terror, Bush etc. you would naturally think we're all dying pretty soon.), we need that tiny glimmer of hope. And this summer, that tiny light is Superman.


3) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
-- 7 July 2006



Johnny Depp. Aye aye matey! I do love my sailors. ;)


4) The Devil Wears Prada
-- 30 June 2006



A parody of Anna Wintour? And it says "Prada" on the title? I'm going. Plus, I read the book so I'm definitely going. Chick lit and movies are SOMETIMES my guilty pleasures.


5) L'Enfant
-- 24 March 2006



French is my thing. I find that there's something so disarming, so raw, and at the same time, touching in French movies. Fatherhood, crime and children peddling. 3 things that should never be in the same sentence. My heart is aching before I even watch this.


6) Nacho Libre
-- 16 June 2006



Jack Black as the unconventional hero who wrestles? In tights? With a cape? I want in on this movie. I know it sounds like another one of those movies with zero plot and just chockful of toilet humour, but hey, loosen up.


7) X-Men: The Last Stand
-- 26 May 2006



For some people, it's Hugh Jackman aka Wolverine. For me, it's closure. I need this for my sanity or I can't stop thinking about Jean Gray.


8) Click
-- 23 June 2006



Adam Sandler is back with a movie. This one with a life lesson, and as expected from the guy who made Happy Gilmore, I'm sure fart jokes are in there somewhere.


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I heart Stephen Colbert and snubbing Bush in his face.

Things like this don't come by often. And I haven't been able to contain myself.

Stephen Colbert is genius. I mean, I'm hardly wrong when it comes to satire. Check this out.



Colbert Lampoons Bush at White House Correspondents Dinner -- President Not Amused?

-- By E&P Staff
Published: April 29, 2006 11:40 PM ET updated Sunday

http://www.mediainfo.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1002425363


Haha.. I mean, it's snubbing Bush at his own event, and Bush couldn't do jack but pretend to laugh at himself. With lines like,

"To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped."

[Dick Cheney, the VP, shot this lawyer dude and got away with it. He called it an "accident". If he weren't the VP, I'm sure the lawyer dude will call it "manslaughter" or "assault". I'm no lawyer, but I sure as well don't think calling it an "accident" lets people get away with it.]


And this.

"The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday."


Best of all, this.

"I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."


This is the first time I'm putting up video on this blog, and I'm proud to present something that's worth watching. It's chopped up into 3 segments, so just bear with me and trust me, it's seriously good.










It could take some time to load all the clips. =/ But believe me, it's GOLD.


In case you guys do not want to watch the video, at least read the transcript. It's comedy genius, and unparalleled wit. People should watch quality stuff like this, for e.g. The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report, instead of stupid IQ-diminishing programs like American Idol.




http://dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/4/30/1441/59811



Muchos kudos to you, Colbert!


Monday, May 01, 2006

I would do anything to make all this go away.

He is hurt and disillusioned. But there is nothing I can do to help.

I would do anything to make all this go away.

Down, lost and all the what-ifs.

Right now I don't really know what to write anymore.

Previously I told you guys I was going to write posts on my incoherent thoughts, irrelevant news from all over the world that you MAY have interests in and silly things that will most definitely bore you.

But right now, I can't. I am just lost for words. There's only a single thought running through my head right now.

I have costed the person I love his most favourite job in the world.

I feel lost. I have never thought that by being close to anyone, will just bring them trouble. I just wish that there is some thing that I can do to make this all better, but it is just not within my power to do anything about this. And the moment I interfere, we will become what the jackass is making us to be: He's with me because he wants to use me.

He doesn't want me to step in either. He feels it's just not right for us to move in that direction.

Things are never that simple and clear cut, are they?


I feel the guilt. And all the what-ifs in the world are crushing me.

What if I had stayed away?
What if I had never gone to work?
What if I had just kept to myself?
What if I had never appeared in his life?


One thing I know from all the what-ifs. He will still have his job. He will still be him.


I will still be me. But we will never have all the wonderful times we had together.


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