Wednesday, March 28, 2007

My demons, peabrain, violence, insecurity and the Ex factor.

I have so many demons it is just not funny anymore.

-- My demons are not as cute.

I am going crazy. From work, family and relationship. Somehow I just wish people will just leave me alone, do what they are supposed to do, stop bugging me and stop planting doubts in my head.

Frankly all these unnecessary bullshit are bad for my mental health.

Newbie keeps asking me really retarded questions that I am beginning to doubt if he ever paid attention to what I tell him to do. It is something like, "Should I write my name ON the exam paper?" kinda question which makes me feel like choking the very cigarette clouded breath out of his stupid little peabrain-ed existence. I want to shake him violently. Bastard.

-- Newbie is nowhere as cute. He's foul.

I just wish Newbie and all work-related pests to just fuck off and leave me alone so I won't put a bullet through my skull.

Family-wise... no comment.

Relationship. The very bane of my existence. Of sorts. Just how comfortable should I feel about the Ex? Well I believe in platonic friendships and how I would never fancy The Boy since I have MOVED ON. But does the same apply for other people? Will you ever wonder about the Ex factor till you drive yourself mad with insecurity and jealousy?

-- To their togetherness? What about OUR togetherness???

Does he or doesn't he? What am I? I feel like breaking down so badly and seeing a shrink. I am not sure if I can cope with this.

I am really going mad. I don't really know what to do anymore.

I need to overcome my insecurities, my vivid imagination and all the fears that come with it. I will never be happy if I doubt everyone around me.

I just want to go away.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Ferris wheel, 300, bastard child and brainless movie.

Oooohhhh they are making progress on that ferris wheel!

I can't wait for it to be completed. J and I can go on it! I wonder how's the view from the Wheel.

I am feeling bored lately. Watched 300 like everyone else and it is by far, the bloodiest movie (by number of people slaughtered per scene) I have ever seen. Told J if Lord of the Rings and Troy had a bastard child, 300 would be it. Killer elephants, goat people and hunky dory men. Oh, David Wenham is such a dish.

I'm thinking of choosing something brainless the next time I go to the movies. Something like...

Should be fun.

Home, grandma, time, engagement and marriage.

I'm back home for the weekend. It felt like ages since I have been home to see my folks. It is Nan's birthday today and the clan is going to head out for dinner together. It's Nan's 92th birthday and the first without my aunt. It feels sad when I think about it.

Nan is pretty good for a 92 year old. She is healthy although she suffered a stroke in 1999 and she's wheelchair bound. Her memory is slipping and she can't recognise me sometimes on bad days. On good days, she can tell me bits about my childhood when I ask her.

Pretty amazing how time passed. Soon, it will be the 1 year anniversary of her passing. I guess when you are all wrapped up in work, plodding through life and repeating the work-eat-sleep routine, you lose sense of time. I know I have.

Anyway I have not forgotten about the "thing" I was supposed to write about.

The Boy is engaged.

When he broke the news to me, I was happy for him. After all, we have been friends for so long and the breakup was amicable. The engagement still came as a shock, simply because I thought it was too soon.

Being one who doesn't mince her words, I asked him straight if he had given this any thought at all. It is now April, and they only started going out since November. Frankly, I am a realist and I just do not believe you want to spend the rest of your life with someone just after 6 months.

The "honeymoon" period of a relationship is not an indication of what married life would be. During the honeymoon period, your new partner can do no wrong. He can even burn down your apartment during one of his stupid "hey watch me put a gas tank next to open fire" stunts and you will still love him to bits.

Married life comes with responsibilities. The downpayment for the apartment, living expenses, children and dealing with the in-laws. When you come home from work, the least thing you want to do is to pick up his mess. With his filthy socks strewn all over the living room as he was took them off while making his way to the couch to catch his favourite team on tv, and god knows what died in the microwave while he tried to "cook".

Laundry, cleaning, commitment, wailing babies and all the responsibilities of the world. This is married life.

-- Wife does not equal to "live-in laundry lady"

Nonetheless all the best to The Boy! Glad he found someone to say "till death do us part".

I don't know. Personally, everytime I think about the whole marriage bit, I get a little freaked out. Sure, I would like to get hitched one day. But I would just like to do it ONCE. So I'm going to take it slow and mull this over (a beer perhaps).

You know, thinking about things long and hard before agreeing never killed anyone.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Incompetent Newbie, nest egg, back to Sydney and one man's effect on me.

Jo has flown back to Sydney and I'm stuck here by myself again. It was great catching up with her and doing/saying all the crazy things like we always do. You just went back to Sydney way too fast, Jo!

-- AMP Tower!

In other news, work still sucks big time. Newbie keeps making mistakes that I have to account for. Fucker. I hate going to meetings when other people are going to use his work and ask me, "Why is this being done? Haven't we agreed that it is to be done [alternative] way?!" I mean I just stopped defending him after a while. There's only THAT many times you can help someone, but beyond that, it is just tiring on my part and I will just come across as inefficient and defensive as that wanker.

I hate work.

I am still a long way from building my nest egg to move my bum back to Sydney. We're talking about at least AUD$15k. That works out to be around S$19.5k. Good lord when will I ever save S$20k!? I want to move back to Sydney.... and may my new address be somewhere in Bondi/Coogee. Woohoo!

-- Happy birthday Harbour Bridge!

J is still somewhere out there. Still uncontactable. I have elevated my current mental state from restless to tormented, which will all end if he calls/emails or when I plunge to my death/work myself to death. It's an "either.. or" situation.

-- My mental state has only 5 stages.

I can't believe one man has the ability to make me go unhinged and daffy. What is the world coming to?

-- Maybe moving back to Sydney will do me good? My dream neighbourhood.

Am I already hopeless?

UPDATE: J called during my lunch break to save the world from another one of my meltdowns! J saves the day! My hero.

p.s. Hang on. He drove me to the brink of insanity because he was uncontactable. Then he SAVED me by calling. Is he the villain or the hero?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Match up, happier back then, laidback and fitting in.

Have you ever felt like you can never match up to someone? I have.

I always have, I think.

It could be anyone from your family, the woman whom I am supposed to replace when I was employed, J's previous girlfriends or your next door neighbour who seems to be better in everything.

Is this what they call low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence? I don't know. I just know I feel like crap everytime I think am reminded about how they must be better than me.

The woman I am supposed to replace must be quite a whiz since she resigned to join a better company with better pay and prospects while I am still stuck in this hellhole with no light at the end of the tunnel.

J's previous girlfriends must have been funnier, prettier and just a whole lot of fun. They must have lots of great time together, exploring new places and laughing the whole time while I just like to laze around the house in my pjs and veg out. He must have been happier back then.

And my neighbour has a car while I don't. And he is in a great job with great pay and prospects, has a cute puppy, complete with fantastic family icing on the cake.

I am just... laidback and part of the wallpaper. You won't even notice me unless you look really hard. This has always been me. I wasn't the popular one in school. I was never great at sports. I just wasn't anything.

I was the one who just did my work and keep to my circle of friends (around 6). You know how people used to name-drop when they know you are from a certain school? I think no one outside my class knows who I am. Not to mention I don't know half the names they name-drop.

I can't change to be more outspoken, that's not who I am. I can't take an interesting in sports because I just don't like it. I am not a party animal and I don't even like clubbing that much. I am just not into imbibing copious amount of alcohol till I throw up like a tap that won't turn off.

I am just not that.

I guess I am way past the age to change myself to fit in. Plus I don't intend to change who I am. I don't see anything wrong with me. It just so happens that I am not popular or the life of a party.

-- The odd one out.

I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just don't like to be compared to people. We are all different, so why must I be like someone to be "successful" and "accepted by everyone"? And who the hell is "everyone" anyway? Are they happy doing the things they may not like to fit in with the crowd? Will this be the biggest regret of their lives?

-- Do you want to be like everyone else?

I don't want to be like "everyone". I just want to pursue the things I like. I just want to be me.

Just why is that so hard?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Uncontactable and love is a strange thing.

J is out at sea and will be uncontactable for 3-4 days. No phonecalls, no emails, no text messages. Nada. He gave me call when the boat left port of Auckland. Owwwww.... I miss him already.

[Well, I ALWAYS miss him.]

-- Giant ship.

It is going to be a rough trip because of the strong winds, and I hope everything will be ok. It is one thing to be apart, but it is quite another when safety is involved. It worries me sick when I think about it.

I think love is a strange thing. It makes you do things you never thought possible. Maybe for some it could be taking an unexpected but genuine interest in Indonesian cooking classes because your special someone loves Indonesian food to no end. Or picking up after your partner even though you never clean up your own room, simply because you love him/her. Or going to the gym with your special someone, even though you have never exercised since you left high school.

It never occurred to me I would CONSTANTLY worry/think about someone. Not to mention that 1 person can bring so much joy to my life. [Note: Just how cliche and lame was that last sentence?! I am cynical. I just don't believe in happily-ever-afters. There is ALWAYS a catch. ] J is now part of my life, and I just somehow cannot see him NOT being part of it.

The number 1, numero uno shocker? I never thought I am the type who could stand being apart in a relationship. Or rather, I never see myself as the type who would stand at the pier (for dramatic illustration only, not that I do that) and gaze out longingly at the sea, waiting and pining for my boyfriend to come back.

Awwwww... the things love make us do.

I shall sign off and go mope/agonize/freak myself out about J's safety now.

Dress-ups, broke, layering, camera robot and pinafore.

I know you guys do not read this blog for playing clothes swap/match. A big (self-)pondering post will appear soon. Something happened, it was not something big or bad. It is just, unexpected. I still do not know HOW to put it down in words, so let's just play dress up till then, shall we?


Hey peeps, it is the return of "Playing Dress-ups".

I am seriously running out of ideas on what to wear to work. Everytime I run out of ideas, I run to the shops. That is definitely not a good idea since in my LAST post, I just mentioned I am going broke. Everytime I step into a mall, I buy something. If there is absolutely nothing to buy, I will still buy knickers or the weird bookmark that I don't use.

Not good. I should work with what I have.

The air-conditioning in my office has driven the masses to bundle up in the office. I saw someone in a jacket with a FUR-TRIMMED collar today. I think layering should come in handy now that I won't melt with so many layers of clothing thanks to the bitter cold.

I think it looks nice. Except for the blurry photo. I should really read the instruction manual on this stupid Canon camera. How can the whole world say it is a great point-and-shoot camera when I churn out heaps of blurry photos?

C'mon, give me a break stupid camera robot.

Now, on to 'going-out' clothes!

Everywhere I go, everyone is layering. Damnit.

I hope I can pull this off.

[I bought the purple top a LONG time ago when J remarked I did not own purple clothes. It was still wrapped in the tissue before I took it out last week.]

Check out my new short shorts!

I thought I continue with the layering theme. I like the pinafore-ish thing going on here. I don't know why, maybe because I never had a pinafore for my uniform when I was little. Making up for lost time?

Have fun, stay sane and tag at my tagboard people! It has gotten deleted 3 times!!!!

No more shopping because I'm going broke soon.

Note to self,
Avoid shops. Avoid town. Avoid large buildings with shops in it.

-- Not another bag... =(

I can't seem to stop myself, can I? This time, I succumb to short shorts. The damage? $45.

No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping.

Repeat chant.

No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping. No shopping.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Work clothes, combi, nuclear winter and ideas.

Hey people, I have to work tomorrow and I am starting to run out of ideas on what to wear to work.

I would like to be more creative BUT since I have a list of dress codes to follow (on A4 size paper no less), I have not much choice do I? I stick to basics. Boring but at least I won't get fired over polka dot halterneck and pants that reveal my butt crack or something.

[Not saying polka dot halterneck is bad.. but you know... dress codes. And they are very conversative over at my office. I do work with old people people from a different generation, you know.]

I need a cardigan because my office is constantly at 16 degree Celsius or less.

Frankly I believe the management either believes a cold office is a more productive office, or they are preparing us to work even in nuclear winter.

Cold office does not equal productive office.

Half the time I almost succumb to the idea of starting a fire to keep my stiff-from-the-cold fingers and legs that have lost all feeling warm by burning all the documents.

Just how is that productive?


Yay or nay?

[I am going to list the color combi so all you nice folks out there can pick my outfit for Monday. You are all very nice.]


I thought black was too... dark.

Still keeping with the
Navy-Green-Khaki combi.

How about a skirt? Not the best of choice in an office where temperature sometimes are low enough to accomodate penguins. But hey, I can always burn those documents.

Last combi. Navy-Lilac-Khaki.

No big changes. It is hard to pick out more clothes to play dress-ups since most are not ironed. Help?

p.s. Should I start a "Let's Help Rachel Pick Her Workclothes" phase?

p.p.s I am also starting to run out of things to write, therefore the unnecessary post on "What I Should Wear To Work Tomorrow". Ideas, anyone?

Overspending, lack of control, shoe shopping and blisters.

I think I am overspending.

Before J got here, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions (read: emotional breakdowns). Work, relationship, family and expectations were snuffing the life force out of me and everything was out of control. The only thing I could control was shopping.

[Rollercoaster of emotions!? I have not heard that expression since... forever. As the French would ask, que le fuck?]

-- Retail therapy

I know it sounds illogical. My shopping was out of control, judging by the number of bags per shopping spree. But hey, for that moment I felt I was in control of things. I DECIDE what to get, and what not. Control.

[Ok I don't know. Is that control at all? ]


Anyway J picked out this pair of shoes for me!

-- Luscious dark blue heels

I love them. They are wedges, patent leather and oh-so-shiny. How often do your boyfriend pick out your shoes? This is a first for me and I am thrilled. I can go shoe shopping with my boyfriend!

-- Always a price to pay

New shoes come at a price. Always.

The current damage stands at 3 blisters. Ouch.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Stalking, PS3 launch and career opportunities for the homeless.

J's plane has landed. Hope he doesn't lose any of his bags this time.

-- A fan of Qantas, I am not.

I feel like a stalker, watching his every move like a eagle zooming in to its prey.

I am relieved he arrived safe and sound.


On another note, Playstation 3 was launched in Singapore 2 days ago near my apartment. The dream shiny black powerhouse was going for $799 inclusive of 2 games. It is an unbeatable price, since Playstation 3 is currently going for $1600 on the black market. Yes I even checked in the black market.

-- Ooooohhh this baby is so prettyyyy....

The queue was unbelievable and I was entertaining a stray thought (that had entered my head like many others) of getting a homeless guy to stand in line for me. The thing is, there is no homeless guy where I am at. So there goes my plan of hiring him for $10 bucks to stand in line for me.

Bah humbug.

So here I am, alone while J is away at work without a Playstation 3 to ease the "pain". What better ways to drown the "pain" than (coerced into) slogging the pain away (like a prisoner-of-war in Auschwitz desperate to stay alive)?


Thursday, March 08, 2007

Dying inside, goodbyes, crazy cab ride and missing J.

I hate saying goodbyes.

I accompanied J to the airport and the hardest bit of all was to say our goodbyes. I didn't want to cry in front of him, making him feel worse than he already did. Trying to smile and remain composed while you die inside is just hard.

Trust me on that.

As much as I don't want him to go, I know it is his job and that is just the way things are. Anyway I am trying to cheer up, and think about him visiting me again.

He will come back home to me. ^________________^


And do you know how to overcome your grief and try not to die on the inside of sadness all under 20 minutes? Try taking a crazy cab ride home on your way back from the airport while you die inside.

Seriously. I was tearing up and trying not to wail like a newborn baby that was forcefully brought out to the world. And of course, trying not to embarass myself in front of the cabbie. Can you imagine how awkward it would be?

"Hey miss, where are you going?"
"To town, near...." *breaks out sobbing buckets*
"Miss, please.. are you ok.."
*Bawls incredibly loudly and repeating "please come back..." over and over again like a broken record*

The cabbie was weaving in and out of traffic without signalling. Cars were honking and he would swerve back to his own lane when other cars came too close for him to switch lanes.

My profound sadness turned into anxiety. My god, I don't want to die on my way home. I sat up straight and focused on how he's driving instead of my intense sadness. By the time I reached home, I was relieved I got home in 1 piece and no puking anywhere in the cab due to my motion sickness problem.


Anyway I miss J very very much so I will be moping a long long time.

-- End of transmission --

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