Saturday, March 17, 2007

Match up, happier back then, laidback and fitting in.

Have you ever felt like you can never match up to someone? I have.

I always have, I think.

It could be anyone from your family, the woman whom I am supposed to replace when I was employed, J's previous girlfriends or your next door neighbour who seems to be better in everything.

Is this what they call low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence? I don't know. I just know I feel like crap everytime I think am reminded about how they must be better than me.

The woman I am supposed to replace must be quite a whiz since she resigned to join a better company with better pay and prospects while I am still stuck in this hellhole with no light at the end of the tunnel.

J's previous girlfriends must have been funnier, prettier and just a whole lot of fun. They must have lots of great time together, exploring new places and laughing the whole time while I just like to laze around the house in my pjs and veg out. He must have been happier back then.

And my neighbour has a car while I don't. And he is in a great job with great pay and prospects, has a cute puppy, complete with fantastic family icing on the cake.

I am just... laidback and part of the wallpaper. You won't even notice me unless you look really hard. This has always been me. I wasn't the popular one in school. I was never great at sports. I just wasn't anything.

I was the one who just did my work and keep to my circle of friends (around 6). You know how people used to name-drop when they know you are from a certain school? I think no one outside my class knows who I am. Not to mention I don't know half the names they name-drop.

I can't change to be more outspoken, that's not who I am. I can't take an interesting in sports because I just don't like it. I am not a party animal and I don't even like clubbing that much. I am just not into imbibing copious amount of alcohol till I throw up like a tap that won't turn off.

I am just not that.

I guess I am way past the age to change myself to fit in. Plus I don't intend to change who I am. I don't see anything wrong with me. It just so happens that I am not popular or the life of a party.

-- The odd one out.

I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just don't like to be compared to people. We are all different, so why must I be like someone to be "successful" and "accepted by everyone"? And who the hell is "everyone" anyway? Are they happy doing the things they may not like to fit in with the crowd? Will this be the biggest regret of their lives?

-- Do you want to be like everyone else?

I don't want to be like "everyone". I just want to pursue the things I like. I just want to be me.

Just why is that so hard?

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