Saturday, April 07, 2007

Strange thing, love, patronizing and going crazy.

A very strange thing has been happening to me lately, and I'm trying not to overanalyze it to death (like I always do) and do/say something that I will regret.

I love work, and feeling appreciated at work (which is happening but not coming from the right people). I just have a severe disdain for the company and the management. There is a difference between the two. My work may not be something as important as saving the world and giving free medical assistance to children in Third World countries, but I have a sense of achievement when I make things right.

Anyway the strange thing is not about work, more of my relationship with J. I love him to bits, I do (at least I think I do). I think about him all the time and you guys would know just from reading all the posts that have his name in it. I care about him. He makes me very happy.

-- Then why am I feeling so sad??????

But something is happening. I can't put my finger to it but somehow, something between us has changed. Maybe the honeymoon period is officially over. J had this smile whenever he walked away from work just to say hi or spend a few minutes with me. Or this happy cheeky laugh when he called.

Now, I have a nagging feeling that the smile is strained. And the laugh sounds tired. I almost feel like he is patronizing me. Just smiling and laughing to make me feel everything is ok. I think he is tired from work, and work is very demanding. He calls me after work and naturally he is exhausted. And that is very evident whenever we talk.

And as much as I love him, I also seem to be doing a fantastic job of pushing him away. (What is wrong with me?!?!) I told him I didn't believe him when he said he missed me, but later twisted my response when I heard him asked why. He sounded hurt. Words like these with serious undertones get masked into "Oh I thought you called your entire phone list of girlfriends, and said the same thing. I figured I'm a long way down the list since I'm at 'R'."

-- What a long list you have!

Ha-ha-ha. Very funny.

[Gawd I'm such a softie. I push him away, say horrible things and take it all back when I hear how hurt he is. I can never play mind games.]

I don't like to feel this way. Why am I doing all these to someone I care deeply about? Is it because I am deeply insecure (most probably it) and want to test how much he loves me? Or is it because it will hurt too much if this ends, and why not just ruin things now just so that it doesn't hurt as much later?

Or I could just be extremely hormonal. Who knows?

I don't want to overanalyze things, read into words, concluding (wrongly) that he doesn't fancy me anymore, driving me crazy, and finally yelling the wrong things to him when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS ACTUALLY GOING WRONG.

-- I don't want this to be us.

Do you get what I mean?

I am going full-blown crazy. At least 65% crazy.

Help me before I sabotage my own relationship.

p.s. When I put down my craziness in words, I myself think that I am having serious mental problem. The bit about not wanting to overanalyze things, and then writing a 500 words post on what I actually think and speculating the demise of my relationship. Oh dear. =/

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