Friday, October 19, 2007

Dreams, memory, death and loss.

I dreamt of him last week. Truth be told, I have never dreamt of him since his passing 2 years ago. For a period of time, I was upset about not saying my last goodbye.

We were in the present, and not when we were 19 when we last went out. We were just hanging out, walking in the mall from shop to shop and spending time together. He didn't say anything. He was smiling. I didn't say anything either. And it didn't occur to me that he has passed on till I woke up.

It still feels strange to think about it. I am not a religious nor spiritual person. I still think of him from time to time, simply because it was such a pity that he had to go so soon. He didn't see me graduate. Nor my birthday that year like he promised.

I wonder if his family is ok. It has been 2 years but I am sure it is still very raw to his closest and dearest.

I think I have problems dealing with death and loss. On busy days, the memory of those who have left is pushed aside for work and commitments. To me, they are still here, but just away from me probably on holiday or at work. Here, but not here.

But when everything has settled and it's all quiet and I'm alone, it hurts a lot to know that they are not here anymore. It hurts to know that they are in my photographs, and in my head. They are just not here anymore.

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