Monday, April 30, 2007

Letdown, cinema crawl, grimey Spartan and impending blindness.

Another normal week went by. Work, more friends tendered in their resignations and us trying to organise trips, drinking sessions and the usual mischief. And of course what started out with unbridled excitement [SHAZAAAAAM!!] quickly turned into what can only be best described as biggest letdown of 2007.

We seem to be extremely awesome at beating our last letdown, so Biggest Letdown of 2007 is revised on a weekly basis.

We are such a happening bunch.

Anyhoo, J and I did catch quite a few movies and I swear it felt almost like a cinema crawl. The Cathay (because it's new), GV Vivocity (because there's lots of cafes and restaurants) and GV Plaza (because it's near). It was good because we rarely have the opportunity to just grab a large Coke, some popcorn and catch a movie. It was nice to do something couple-y after such a long time.

Shooter was cool. It got predictable (I saw the betrayal bit coming) but it sure made me feel like taking shooting lessons. How cool would it be to be a superb marksman!? I can shoot someone something.

[Probably not the best thing to say in light of recent senseless killings. I know. I apologize for being angry sometimes.]

-- Shooter


And I think J watched his first Asian movie of his life last weekend.

-- 200 Pounds Beauty

Thanks to Colin who was soooo "enthusiastic" about the movie, J and I didn't have much a choice NOT watching the movie because Colin booked us the tickets WHILE talking to us at Starbucks. Seriously we didn't have a chance in hell.

Us: So how's you, Col?
Colin: I'm good. Hey, you guys should watch '200 Pounds Beauty'! It is funny and you guys don't seem to have any plans for today.
Us: (just looked at each other, wondering he meant that we have no life.)
Colin: Just booked you guys tickets to the movie at 5pm today. Remember to bring the confirmation code!
Us: Huh!?

Yeah.

The movie was over 60% cheese. Some bits, shots and dialogue were sooooo cliche that I was rolling my eyes while J looked on in amusement. We felt sorry for the protagonist because people actually made fun of the fat chick. I was actually disappointed (and ashamed) when people actually laughed when she was ridiculed.

Are we still in high school, people!? Stop picking on overweight people. You don't see someone else picking on your "ecletic sense of fashion", do you?

-- Mismatched knee-length socks with short shorts. Very "hip".

Watched 300 again. Still the bloodiest most-deaths-per-scene movie I have ever seen.

-- Why is he so angry? Take a Valium, duuuuuude.

Do Spartans take a shower? They do seem a little grimey in the movie.

There are still so many movies I want to watch. Wild Hogs, Spidey 3, Harry Potter 4, The Simpsons Movie (Reverend Lovejoy!) and so many more. I will most probably cut back on expenses so that come July, I will channel all the money towards the cinema and popcorn industries.

I am sooooo going blind from watching that many movies.

Can't wait though!



Thursday, April 26, 2007

Spillage and white skirt.

When you spill hot chocolate down the front of your white skirt in the office, you know the day cannot possibly get worse.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Honey and the moon.

Suddenly this song is playing on repeat in my head.



I have always loved this song.


A letter to you (that I won't send).

Hi,

Sorry if I had been staring into space a lot lately. I have lots of things in my head, many of which I do not what to do about them. Things seem to have progressed a lot, all unnoticed to me. You asked me about 2008. That just caught me unguarded and left me speechless. Ergo, all the thoughts in my head.

I am so not ready for this. Thank you for not pressuring me into giving an answer and the generous amount of time you gave me. The pressure is now coming from me and I guess I'll take my time to figure it out.

I am frightened.

I don't know what is happening in 2008. I honestly don't. I used to think about that and when I heard you said you had never given it any thought at all, I took a step back and controlled my projection. So much so that I stopped hoping for it to happen because I don't see it happening anymore.

But now. You have thrown me off again. I honestly do not have an answer. Please let me think about it. Please don't take this badly. Please don't give up on this. I just want to make the right decision. For our sake.

Love,
Me


p.s. I hope you give me a concrete plan of some sort. You didn't exactly ask in those words. Am I thinking correctly about what you are saying? I don't want to make a fool of myself.


Monday, April 23, 2007

Super busy, control, under-qualified and studying on the side.

I have been super busy recently. Work and more work. Plus, I am picking up some stuff on the side so I can pepper my resume with big words that can bring in more dough.

There is so much to study, it is just not funny anymore. The things they teach you in uni are worth nothing out here in the real world. C'mon, no one will EVER pay you to write a program that prints out "Hello World!" in Java if it doesn't fulfil some criteria.

My advice to anyone taking Computer Science/Engineering courses? Brush up on your scripting skills. And hardware, computer architecture, L2 cache, RISC and all that RAM/bus/bit calculations = money. Please don't learn that the hard way like I do.

Plus, some company called yesterday about a job in a major institution that I am sooooo under-qualified for. F*ck. The experience and the knowledge required are proprietary as well so you can't find jack on Wikipedia/Google.

Talk about mocked.

Study study study.

p.s. It sucks to have people who want to control your life. Don't you think I'm old enough to decide who I want to see?? Discuss.


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Travel itch and a loved up wanderer.

I am feeling the travel itch again.

-- A very expensive, hard to cure itch.


I can't sit still. I feel all energy and happiness sapped out of me from that gigantic misery vacuum that is work. I need to recharge, regroup and move on.

Firstly, recharge.

I want to see Mt Olympus, experience the mythological mystery surrounding Crete and gaze upon the white houses etched on the hillside of Santorini.

-- I just want to watch the sun rise, and the sun set.



Then there is the City of Light.



I can't wait for the day I stroll down Champs-Élysées, walk the halls of the Louvre, and people-watch while nursing a hot cup of coffee in an alfresco cafe.

Feeling all loved up.


I want to travel.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Meltdown, Godiva, fears, grateful and faith.

After my very public meltdown confession about what is bugging me, I have received lots of advice from strangers, friends and family.

[Meltdown is so... Britney. I didn't shave my head, did I?]

Very thankful to all you guys. Shall give out e-chocolates (is there such a thing?) for all you nice people out there.

-- Can you taste the rich velvety goodness of Godiva?

[On a side note, try the Godiva Chocolatte at your own peril. 1/3 through the sinful lava sludge, I thought I was going to swear off chocolate for the rest of my living days. And oh, I could feel my teeth were rotting away the moment I took a gulp.

It's rich, sweet and oh-so sickening after 2 sips.

Yeah. Try drinking liquid chocolate. It's more lava than liquid. Incredibly NOT addictive unless you enjoy the feeling of rotting teeth.]


I appreciate all the help, consolation and suggestions, especially from my Lurve Doc (MBBS University of Melbourne). I shall heed his counsel and stop over-thinking and digging my own grave by constantly dwelling on unhappy things that are all, for a lack of a better word, my unfounded fears.

On another note, I am actually mortified.

-- Seriously. This is a statue of a *mortified* cat from a museum.

People who have not spoken to me in ages, are all giving me that sympathetic “aww you poor thing” look, nodding and giving me pats on the shoulder (albeit virtual e-pat).

[I am starting to love this e-chocolate, e-hug, e-support thing.]


I just want to clarify that I am not playing victim here. I didn’t mean to say that there is any trouble in paradise. I’m just a deeply insecure person with an overactive imagination, who dwells on her unfounded fears over and over again till she’s lost between reality and the prison that is her head.

I'm just writing down my insecurities, you know?

Honestly, the guy can be distant and unresponsive because he’s too upset about his favourite soccer/basketball/rugby team losing the match.

How does a girl read that distant reaction?
“He must not like me anymore”
and weeps till the cows come home.

And I frankly think that I was hormonal when I wrote that entry. It is hard with J being away and uncontactable. I am having a rough time at work. I am so lost about what to do with my life. I have no anchor.

[I can go on and on about how lost I am in life, but that is another story for another day.]

I think I should lighten up and give him a break (he doesn’t know about my crazy outburst. Yet.) since he did not once doubt me nor give me crap get all cranky at me because we’re apart.

He did not once doubt me, so I shall do the same.

Have a little faith.

p.s. Should I even come clean to J about my outburst? I don't want to scar him for life.


Labels and 658 posts.

I feel like adding labels to my blog so you guys can choose what you want to read, but



Gawd, there's just so many to update!

Should I, or shouldn't I?

p.s. Was I *that* prolific a writer to actually post 658 posts on my blog?!


Friday, April 13, 2007

My nemesis.

Gentle reminder to lactose intolerant self:



Do not ingest any dairy products!

Regards,
Your long suffering, stomach-aching, nauseous self.
xoxo


Sunday, April 08, 2007

Nice kissing photos.

I am reading this blog, everybodyloveskiss. Lots of beautiful pictures of people kissing everywhere.

My my my. Under the Eiffel tower, at the beach, top of the hill, in the middle of traffic, on vacation. Wow. So very in lurve!

[Why don't I have nice vacation snogging pics?! I have none!]


-- Now how come I haven't got nice kissing photos like this???


Now I want to take nice kissing pictures too!


Saturday, April 07, 2007

Strange thing, love, patronizing and going crazy.

A very strange thing has been happening to me lately, and I'm trying not to overanalyze it to death (like I always do) and do/say something that I will regret.

I love work, and feeling appreciated at work (which is happening but not coming from the right people). I just have a severe disdain for the company and the management. There is a difference between the two. My work may not be something as important as saving the world and giving free medical assistance to children in Third World countries, but I have a sense of achievement when I make things right.

Anyway the strange thing is not about work, more of my relationship with J. I love him to bits, I do (at least I think I do). I think about him all the time and you guys would know just from reading all the posts that have his name in it. I care about him. He makes me very happy.

-- Then why am I feeling so sad??????


But something is happening. I can't put my finger to it but somehow, something between us has changed. Maybe the honeymoon period is officially over. J had this smile whenever he walked away from work just to say hi or spend a few minutes with me. Or this happy cheeky laugh when he called.

Now, I have a nagging feeling that the smile is strained. And the laugh sounds tired. I almost feel like he is patronizing me. Just smiling and laughing to make me feel everything is ok. I think he is tired from work, and work is very demanding. He calls me after work and naturally he is exhausted. And that is very evident whenever we talk.


And as much as I love him, I also seem to be doing a fantastic job of pushing him away. (What is wrong with me?!?!) I told him I didn't believe him when he said he missed me, but later twisted my response when I heard him asked why. He sounded hurt. Words like these with serious undertones get masked into "Oh I thought you called your entire phone list of girlfriends, and said the same thing. I figured I'm a long way down the list since I'm at 'R'."

-- What a long list you have!

Ha-ha-ha. Very funny.

[Gawd I'm such a softie. I push him away, say horrible things and take it all back when I hear how hurt he is. I can never play mind games.]


I don't like to feel this way. Why am I doing all these to someone I care deeply about? Is it because I am deeply insecure (most probably it) and want to test how much he loves me? Or is it because it will hurt too much if this ends, and why not just ruin things now just so that it doesn't hurt as much later?

Or I could just be extremely hormonal. Who knows?


I don't want to overanalyze things, read into words, concluding (wrongly) that he doesn't fancy me anymore, driving me crazy, and finally yelling the wrong things to him when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS ACTUALLY GOING WRONG.

-- I don't want this to be us.


Do you get what I mean?

I am going full-blown crazy. At least 65% crazy.

Help me before I sabotage my own relationship.


p.s. When I put down my craziness in words, I myself think that I am having serious mental problem. The bit about not wanting to overanalyze things, and then writing a 500 words post on what I actually think and speculating the demise of my relationship. Oh dear. =/



Friday, April 06, 2007

Safe, stupid job and hypocrites.

J called yesterday when he reached Cairns and boy was I relieved he is safe. He is busy with work, since they will only be in town for 3 days before starting the next leg of the cruise. Fresh food to be stocked, rooms to be cleaned and inspected and of course all the necessary safety tests. Lots of people coming and going.

My job still suck. In fact, I don't actually mind the workload because the customers value my effort and my input at meetings. Sure the meetings are hours long and often spill over to my after work hours. But hey, at least someone thinks my work is great, recognises my effort and is grateful for it.

Unlike some fucking management who chooses to ignore my all my hard work.

If the customer they so want to please, is very impressed with me, shouldn't the management at least be more appreciative of the staff? We are the minions that make the things work, and thus keeping the managers in their currect paychecks. But those fuckers are just sitting there, surfing the net and passing biased judgement on people.

One of them still dared to dangle the prospect of promoting me to a supervisor position as bait to keep me in the company (due to high staff turnover within the last 2 months). C'mon, even if manager 1 wants me promoted, there are still managers 2 and 3 who have to approve of the promotion. Which for sure will not be approved because all of them are fucking hypocrites who steal your credit and stab you in the back.

Bastards.

If they want to ignore my existence, so be it. I will still work for the money. But I will never hesitate to throw down my resignation letter and let the entire division go to the pits. Hey, who else knows about that system and all its operational issues besides me? The management can fuck off with the Newbie.

I am so bloody angry with my job. It is undoubtedly the worst company EVER.


p.s. Somehow I think this post is neither here nor there. On one hand I'm relieved about my boyfriend being safe and on the other, I'm actually maniacally pissed off about management at work because they are all wankers.



Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Please be safe.

I wish I have better things to write here but I have too much work on my hands, and I'm worried out of my skull about J.

I have no been able to contact him for 15 days. The tsunami is not helping. The boat was supposed to be in Solomon Islands/ Papua New Guinea region the past few days.



I am thinking of calling up his office.

Please be safe.



Sunday, April 01, 2007

Dumplings, festivals, ancient suicides, describing food and slave-drivers.

Hello peeps, I'm home at the minute with my family again. This is the 2nd week in a row and this doesn't happen all that often.

It is Qing Ming festival/season (wiki link). It is an annual festival/season of "let's go to the cemetery to visit family who have passed on". I seriously have no idea what it is called in English. Mom made me come home so I could go visit aunt, grandpas and grandma.

[I have no idea how to explain this to J. I remembered the last time I tried to explain how the rice dumplings came about, and Dragon Boat Festival (wiki link). He just knows the dumplings taste good with chilli. -.-"

-- This is originally meant for fish.

When I told him that it was ancient Chinese's way of feeding the fish just so that the fish wouldn't eat the body of a Chinese poet/advisor to the Emperor who threw himself into a river to make a statement, the look on his face was priceless.

I had just reminded him that yummy rice dumplings = human-replacement fish food. Food that came out of ancient suicide. What an awesome day that was.]

[I love to digress in square brackets. =) ]


I saw aunts, cousins and uncles that I usually see once a year during Chinese New Year (see Chinese New Year post). The casual banter ensued, with people asking what they are up to recently, the incessant rain, how it made the roads all muddy, how their shoes are now dirty from said-mud, and the rage-inducing agony of trying to find a parking lot next to the highway.

An aunt was all smiles and told me to call up her daughter so "we can hang out" after work. I knew my aunt meant well, but I seriously do not feel like contacting my cousin after work just so that we can hang out. C'mon. I have not seen her for at least 7 years (she wasn't here today) and what the friggin hell am I supposed to talk to her about anyway?

Oh well.

Anyhoo.. I am still thinking if I should at least explain what Qing Ming festival is to J. Chinese festivals are very very foreign thing to him and I. I just know they exist. I can't even explain what "xiao long bao" (wiki link) is to him, let alone something as heavy and complicated as going up into the hills to burn offerings to family you have probably never met.

-- My gawd I want some right now!

[Oh, xiao long bao was "Soup filled dumplings" to J. That was my official answer when we went for dimsum one morning.

I am still not prepared on how best to describe Chinese food to something he will understand. I am now at the "Want Want Rice Cracker" and the local malay kuehs headbanging predicament.

-- Want Want rice crackers.. not Wang Wang???

I can so imagine his asking, "Why would you make rice crackers when you can just eat rice straight off?"

Good question. Urm.. for variety's sake?

-- I like the sweet brown dessicated coconut bits in the middle.

What the fuck is kueh actually?! Kueh is just kueh (wiki link).. and made of flour and magical green dye that makes it such a sweet delight?? I don't know.

Word of caution: Gorging yourself with kuehs does not a meal make. Too much too soon and you will swear off kuehs for years. Trust me. I haven't had one since last year.]

[Wikipedia rocks! You know it rocks when there is an encyclopedia entry on kuehs.]


Ooops, I am now talking too much about my boyfriend aren't I? It can't be helped, my poor suffering readers. He's got me wrapped around his little pinkie and I am having withdrawal symptoms of not hearing from him. Be thankful I'm not posting his pictures everywhere.

Or hiring spies to track him down. Well, not yet.

Anyway I will be horrendously busy come next week because the asshole higher powers that be in the office think that we should work on Good Friday, which is a public holiday, to minimise impact. At no extra pay. Fuckers.

-- Shall I sandwich you between my car and the fire hydrant, sir?

I think they should be more worried about the impact on their bodies and my car. If I can borrow a car for this Friday.




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