Friday, June 29, 2007

Flight and nervous.

T minus 5 hours before my flight takes off.

I'm scared like nobody's business.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

2 days, disappointment, tired and sick.

2 more days before I board the plane to Brisbane. I have not packed anything, nor bring my suitcase out of storage. I have not cleaned up my place, do my laundry nor pay all my bills before I leave the country.

Somehow I just don't feel all psyched about the trip.

Am I dragging my feet? I don't know. This trip is not turning out to be as relaxing as I hope it would be.


-- I guess I'll wait till tomorrow.

As people who read this blog already know, my family is not all that chummy with J. There is no nuclear fallout, but we are not exactly giving bear hugs to one another at the minute.

I am both tired and disappointed at how things turned out. Like my little brother reminded me, I can't please everyone. It is so true, because right now I can't even please myself.

I need a vacation to take my mind off things. I know I am going on one but I don't want to go under these circumstances. My aunt once told me that my family will eventually be happy for me if I'm happy. I'm trying, but can I last that long without breaking down?


Why do I feel like I'm being made to choose between my family and my boyfriend?

I'm falling sick. Fever, body aches, chills and I'm coughing like a smoker with terminal lung cancer. Is this a physical manifestation of my mental well-being? Somehow I have a feeling it is.

-- Flu germs, anyone?

It sucks to be me.


Thursday, June 21, 2007

Work, email, vacation, meet the parents and major faux pas.

Despite a 1 week hiatus, I still have nothing for you guys. I apologise for my boring existence. I can't help it if I have to work for a living.

I have been working overtime for... too many days. Initially you feel like collapsing at work and just sleep during the meetings. Then you get used to feeling lethargic all the time. And now, the 12 hour shifts I'm doing feels almost normal.

-- Drop kick his ass!


That is hardly a good thing.

Well at least I try to claim off days from all the overtime work I'm doing.

J has reached port today so that's a good thing. It has been quite some time since I have last talked to him. I still write him emails almost everyday but it is starting to get depressing for me. He does not get to reply emails on this boat because he has to pay for them, so it feels like I'm talking to a void all the time.

There are so many things I want to tell him, but he's not there to hear it. Or read it. Or reply to me. Sometimes it is just far too lonely. It feels like I'm in a relationship with his email address.

-- Bill Gates has lots of funky emails in his Hotmail account.


Oh well. Maybe I'm just tired. I am looking forward to next Friday because I'll be flying to Aussieland to visit J and his family!

Then again, I'm pretty nervous and freaked out about visiting his family. Sure we've kinda met over the webcam but that hardly counts. Now I have to hang out with them for a few days. It is nice but I am feeling the stress now.

I don't know the lyrics to Waltzing Matilda. I still don't quite get the difference between rugby and footie. I'm hopelessly lost at cricket. All these despite staying in Sydney for 4.5 years. Then again I can always explain I'm awful at sports. It's the casual chit chat that kills me. I usually talk straight off my head but this time, I don't want to make stupid remarks about the chicken being dry, only to find out that it is his grandma's signature dish.

That would be a big faux pas.

It's a long awaited vacation. I can't wait to wake up in the morning, bundle up and stroll down Surfers Paradise with a large coffee in hand.



Perfect.



Thursday, June 14, 2007

Quizzes, super faithful, jetsetting mermaid.

I am mentally drained at the minute and the best I can do is to do a couple of quizzes and hope to just scrape through.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.


Apparently I haven't changed much from last year when I took the same test.
http://symin.blogspot.com/2006/03/im-like-so-faithful.html
Except my risk of cheating improved from 100% to 0%. Surely that must be good!


You Are Very Worldly

You're an international jet setter - or pretty darn close.
And while you may feel like you have many more places to visit...
Most people live their whole lives without seeing what you've seen.
In fact, you're probably going to be traveling again soon. So Bon Voyage!


Am I really accomplishing my jet setting dreams without realizing it? Nah. Europe, Africa, South America and most parts of Asia are still virgin territories to me.

Wanderlust alert!


You Are From Jupiter

You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness.
Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions.
Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom.
Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that.
If you do, you'll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.

I am extremely curious. And if I'm from Jupiter, does that mean "Drops of Jupiter" is a song written for me?
Whoa... trippy.



You Are a Mermaid

You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are.
While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need.
Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational.
You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.


People think I'm flakier than I really am!? But at least I'm a mermaid.
[Think I just proved them right.]
=(


I'm a jetsetting mermaid from Jupiter who is 100% faithful.


Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Complicated, happiness and relationships.

I guess as people grow up, the things we worry about get more complicated. The things we find out get more complicated.

A friend of mine got propositioned. They are good mates and under normal circumstances, I would be happy for them. But he's married. She's happily attached and probably getting married. Everything will remain status quo, and this is probably something on the side.

Is there trouble in paradise? I don't know.
Are they kindred spirits? I don't know.
Why are they suddenly considering this? I don't know.
Did they fall in love? I don't know.
Will anything come out of this? I don't know.


I don't know what to say. I am not disappointed that she doesn't have an answer. I am not shocked that he wants something on the side. What do I know about marriage and its heartaches anyway? I love them both and I want them to be happy.

Maybe it is time to go home, spend time with their significant other and think carefully. Are they looking for physical intimacy, or the heart has already strayed? Lust or love.

Is the fling/game worth jeopardising their relationship/marriage for?

I just hope that whatever their decision, a lot of thought has been put into it and just try not to hurt everyone.



Better together, pretty and happy.

Jack Johnson - Better Together



There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing but I can try for your heart
And our dreams and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together

It’s always better when we’re together
We’ll look at the stars when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together

And all of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they’ll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they’ll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I’d be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be we’ll sit beneath the mango tree now

It’s always better when we’re together
We’re somewhere in between together
Well it’s always better when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together

I believe in memories they look so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We’re better together


Swoon.

From the guy who brought you "Upside Down". He makes me want to watch the Curious George cartoon. Sit by the beach with sand between my toes, watching the sun set while the breeze tosses my hair. I want to move to the beach.

I think I have all 4 albums and I don't get sick listening to them at all. Really. With my favourite guitar strumming and lyrics like, "And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me", it just makes me smile.

How can cheerful summery songs not fail to cheer me up?

=)


Saturday, June 09, 2007

Crushed, limbo and mindf*cked.

Told her I'm heading for Australia on 29th June. Now the situation is becoming more of a approval seeking one, rather than an update.

I am dying. My spirit is dying, can't anyone tell?

When has a relationship been that easy to give up? Don't people ever value and try to make things work during the hard times? Why do I have to give up something that I treasure, just because other people have trouble accepting it?

Why do I feel like I'm caught in limbo again? Why do I feel I'm being jerked around? I feel so mindf*cked by them.

As reminded by my friends, I am waiting for an answer I don't need.


Friday, June 08, 2007

Poolside wedding, Lays, dinner and my menu.

There was a wedding dinner by the poolside yesterday evening. I guess the event started at about 8pm, because that was when the merriment began. I heard people making speeches and beautiful romantic music all the way on the 25th floor. I walked to the balcony, climbed onto the ledge a little and peered over.

It was a beautiful wedding. Not that I know the happy couple BUT the fairy lights by the pool was great. I figured it was not one of those wedding dinner disasters where you sit around drinking tea TILL everyone arrives by 9pm when the dinner starts at 7pm. Seriously, what the deuce!? I was wondering what the lucky guests were munching on while I made a meal out of Lays.




Scratch the "poolside barbeque" theme from my wishlist. "Poolside dinner" is awesome.

-- Better lit would be great


French music (think La Vie En Rose) + Louis Armstrong music. Old school.
Assorted appetisers. Think d'oeuvres. Mouthful of bliss each time.
Scallops mornay, with a sprinkling of bacon and chopped chives.
Baked cod with a side of greens.
Sashimi and aburi sushi as main.
Tandoori chicken and papadums.
Ice cream, tiramisu, pancakes with fresh strawberries/banana and cream, and fruits.

It's going to be all that I love to eat. Woohoo!

I'm going mad from hunger. I need food.


Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Songs, Paris, emo, God and my iPod.

You know how I always relate songs to phases in my life or places I want to go?

[Stars - Sleep Tonight reminds me a lot of my aunt. I was listening to this song on repeat when I was in the hospital with her. It makes me cry every time.

Deathcab for Cutie - I'll Follow You Into The Dark just makes me feel like I have not known true love at all. Will someone be there to hold when I'm about to pass, telling me it's ok and I will never be alone? Ok.. too much information. And gloom.

Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind makes me want to go to Bahamas. Or anywhere in the Carribbean. Or Mediterranean. Or Micronesia.]



I feel like running away to Paris. Every time the song plays on my iPod, my eyes get misty and I think about Paris. I see us running under the Eiffel Tower, laughing like crazy people while other Parisiens sit on the lawn and sip expressos. It is a beautiful day in Paris. We will be so happy there.

U2- City of Blinding Lights



But I am still stuck on this island state. Working very hard to prove myself in the company, and killing my spirit every minute of the day with all my problems.

Cest la vie. I hope something good will come out of this eventually.


Remember the tune I heard on tv, fell in love with but had no clue what the name was? It was in my iPod all along. My face lit up when the song came on, and for a moment, it felt like God has personally put the song in my iPod.

It was a miracle.

Azure Ray - Sleep



No mtv and just the tune, but it is hauntingly good.

Then again, I'm into emo.


Overworked, rare meeting, Stephen Colbert and my love for the sea.

Well I did stay in the office till 5.30pm. I attended the meeting and it was somewhat fruitful. Newbie Partner went along and from the looks of it, overwhelmed and eventually lost in the exchange of words.

Met Uncle C at the supermarket cashier when I was in my unglamourous best, lugging a basket of groceries to last me a week and paying for discount sushi.

It is almost impossible to meet him, since he stays in Melbourne and travels all over the place frequently. He is a very nice person and it was great to get a hug and kiss. At the cashier no less. How typical Aussie of us. Uncle C has taken care of my little bro in Melb and is always kind to us.

He asked when we are going sailing again. I smiled said I hope soon. We said our goodbyes and left separately.

I really miss sailing. I had an errand to run today, and it took me to the club. The smell of gasoline and the salty sea air hit me and I thought to myself, god I miss sailing, getting away from it all and enjoying the sun and sea.


Let's just say I don't think it will be happening anytime soon. =(


I know I am turning this blog into one of those teenage diary crap that won't stop rambling about the breakfast they ate this morning before they headed off to some random shopping mall to hang out because it was just "so cool" to loiter in public. Just that mine is about my life revolving around work and grocery shopping.

Bear with me, all this will end when I finally sort out my photos and write something decent. Thought provoking posts will hopefully come before the Second Coming, because right now I am just too jaded and tired to rant about parking cost at my building.

[Those f*ckers are charging $150/mth before tax, just for parking!]


The pick-me-up of the day? My hero, Stephen Colbert really showed it to Rain.



I really do not like Rain. That poseur just takes his clothes off and prances around the stage in what looks like a sold out concert?!

What the deuce!?

Stephen Colbert, you rock.


Hand holding, compliment and less-than-appropriate emails from co-worker.

Extremely tired. Stuck in the office since 7am. Newbie Partner expects me do stay till 6pm today to go to some meeting with him.

What, am I supposed to hold his hand and tell him all the people at the meeting are not monsters, and in fact, very nice?

And when the team gets a compliment from the higher powers, how do you tell Newbie Partner that it is NOT him that got us the compliment? Fuck, he didn't even work over the entire weekend to get the job done. And now he's saying he managed to charm them over??? Deluded!!!!!


Oh, how do you get your co-workers to stop flooding your hotmail account with less-than-appropriate junk mail that either shows some woman's boobs or some woman with bits of cloth on them? They are definitely not lingerie since they look more like cut out squares taped to the body.

Please, just stop the madness.

So very tired.


Friday, June 01, 2007

Sorrow, professional help, low points and lost.

I have been listening to this song on loop from 11am this morning. It is 6:32pm at the minute.



Death Cab for Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhattan

If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson

And if I could open my mouth
Wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing
And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh, what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you

And it is true what you say
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to . . . .


----------------------------------------------------

I have always liked Death Cab. Some may find it too.. emo. I don't know, I just like them. Somehow, the song resonated with a part of me I have not been able to describe.

Lots of things are going on in my head at the minute. So far, none of them is happy. It is a very heavy feeling and I have no one to tell it to. Even if I do have someone to talk to, I am not even sure I can put them down in words.

Some friends have suggested that I seek professional help. To them, I seem to have changed a lot over one year and they somehow feel that I am unable to cope with the low points in my life.

I don't know... even I am not even sure if I have too much on my plate. Will talking to a shrink help? Do I need to see one at the minute? Perhaps this is just a low point in my life. Life is full of highs and lows, and it will pass. Right?

I need to be convinced he is not going to give up.
I need to be convinced all is not lost.




1 year anniversary.

This week has been unbelievably taxing. My mind has been bogged down by what happened at home, servers decided to die on a public holiday, and higher powers are NOT happy that the incident was not flagged up immediately.

This weekend is not going to be a cheery one.



It has been a year since my aunt has left. It has been extremely lonely and depressing without her. I miss her heaps and every time I am reminded that she is no longer around, it feels like an incredible gloom is weighing down on me. I choke with sadness. I can't imagine how it feels like for the rest of the family, but I still find it hard to believe she's gone.

She was the one I confided in. She understood, and when she didn't, she was objective and open to new ideas. She might not be comfortable, she might not even agree but she encouraged me nonetheless. I remember her words clearly, telling me that people will eventually be happy for me if I am happy.

I feel so lost and alone at the minute.




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