Friday, March 07, 2008

10.000 B.C. and what I think it actually means.

J and I have been looking forward to watching 10,000 B.C. ever since we saw the trailers. Woolly mammoths, sabre-toothed tigers and cavemen... we couldn't wait.

Woolly mammoths! With tusks!


We were really excited about the movie. We didn't Google the movie because we wanted to save the surprise when we actually see it.

Sabre-toothed tiger with killer fangs!


Check out his "My spear is better than your fangs" stance.


If they screened these during the trailers, I should be expecting T-rex spitting out mammoth bones somewhere in the movie, right?

Apparently, I was wrong.

[By that admission, you guys wouldn't pay to watch the movie, right? Because I'm about to spill the beans on the movie right now.]

  • It's a boy meets girl, boy spouts some mushy "my love for you will never change" words to pretty girl with blue eyes.
  • Pretty Girl with Blue Eyes (PGBE) is a THE trophy for the strongest man who kills with Papa Mammoth of Mammoth herd.
  • Tribe is attacked by Beast with Four Legs (BFL). Killer horses to you and me but cavemen are slow that way.
  • PGBE enthralls Man on BFL and is captured.
  • Boy who Spouts Mushy Words (BSMW) embarks on journey to save mankind, slaves and his PGBE.


I am blown away. By the lack of depth and predictability.

-- Pretty Girl with Blue Eyes. Gotta get 'em contacts.

Along the movie, you will see:
  • animals,
  • lots of tribes,
  • ships with sales,
  • pyramids,
  • entire block of gold for the tip of the pyramid, and
  • cars in the background during shots of animals cantering across safari fields.

Honestly, for a movie with a multi-million dollar budget, you would think that they'll edit the headlights of the f*cking cars out of the movie. But no! Because audience is stupid enough to pay for the movie, so they may actually be stupid enough to assume the f*cking headlights are actually f*cking bonfires.


*Rolls eyes*


I want a caveman movie. Caveman thumping his chest Tarzan-style, clubbing a sabre-toothed tiger and discovering fire. And maybe burn down his little leather tent for comic relief. A movie that explores LIFE as a caveman, hunter-gatherer balance (aka "Cavemen vs Cavewoman: Are You Going To Pick That Up" debate), animals dying out, T-rex spitting out mammoth bones, pterodactyls swooping down and FINALLY ends with huge meteor hurling towards earth, heralding the arrival of what we modern man have come to know as the Ice Age.

And not some f*cking killer turkeys chasing and hunting cavemen in overgrown lawn.

Killer turkeys. I'm not kidding. Watch the movie and tell me those are NOT turkeys.


-- Training for Olympics 2008?

I'm not a director, screenwriter nor producer. If I can come up with a much better/engaging storyline, they have got a problem. If I want to watch a movie that's part Apocalypto (Mayans, pyramids, half naked men running in jungles), part 300 (another guy with God Complex), part Pathfinder (it's like Pocahontas, but with Vikings. It is another movie that sucks so much the black hole barely stands a chance. I gave up writing on it because I almost barfed while trying to recollect bits from the movie.), I would watch all 3 of those movies.

-- Pocahontas with Vikings.


Not an "original" movie which borrows heavily on all 3.


10,000 B.C = 10,000 bull crap.


Links:
10,000 B.C. - Official site
Apocalypto - Wikipedia entry (contains lots of info)
Dude with God Complex - Xerxes I of Persia
Pathfinder - Entry on Rotten Tomatoes. Enough said.
Slate - 10,000 B.C. review





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