Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Self doubt, decisions and just settling.

Being a giant walking vessel of self doubt with an imagination that spirals out of control, I am constantly plagued by questions on every little thing. This can't possibly be good for my health as I self-perpetuate fears and many other craziness.

Are we 'just settling' with what we have? What about what we want?

I know I'm not 'just settling' now that I'm going out with J.
I hope J is not 'just settling' now that we're going out.
I hope his ex girlfriend is just saying hi.
I know I'm 'just settling' when I stay in the job that makes me unhappy.

Death Cab for Cutie - Cath

I had lunch with Mingie today and The Boy was brought up briefly. I used to date The Boy when I was in uni. Nice and polite, The Boy is the guy mothers approve of and fathers have no problems with their daughters going out with. He passed the Parents' test. He is The Well-Intentioned Man but in retrospect, he is not what I wanted.

I want to travel, I want to see Maldives, Maybe I want to be a wandering gypsy. I want to do all these things with someone who enjoys these too. But I couldn't see all these happening with The Boy. Aside from our different takes on the 'future', I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was determined enough to let go of 4 years of togetherness to pursue what I want. I think I'm just gutless to tell him that.

It had to be done.

Decisions are never easy. People will be disappointed or hurt when I make certain choices but it is never my intention to do so. I do not want to be the person who looks back and wonders what could have been. I only have 1 go at this.

Things may not turn out the way I have expected and people will go 'I told you so'. I just want to try and see how things go. Life is hard and sucky enough. I don't need to tip a giant vat of regrets into the mix.

I hope I'm not a choice someone 'just settled' with.

I don't know where I'm going with this post.

p.s. I am posting quite a few Death Cab songs lately because I've been listening to them on repeat. I couldn't get tickets to their concert so I thought listening to Narrow Stairs for days would help. I just got depressed.

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