Monday, February 02, 2009

Twilight and the head banging it brings.

I finally watched Twilight last night.

Twilight is by far one of the crappiest movies I've watched.

For starters, it is way too long for something so mundane. Yes it's another love story but there have been so many love stories in the history of cinema that are half as draggy. The pacing is all off and there were so many moments I rolled my eyes, trying not to tell at the characters to just "GET IT OVER WITH" because they sure as hell are not going to hear me and it's stupid.

The dialogue is worse than a play written by a 4 year old. I was contemplating breaking the disc in half because the world does not need another copy of this movie.

So is the story told from Bella's point of view? At 1 point I thought she was narrating their story, but the change of perspective in the middle of nowhere is ridiculous, and from a consumer's point of view, utterly pointless and disruptive.

-- For the last time, I'M TALKING!

I'm inclined to think that the writers' strike was on and they outsourced the script writing to inner Mongolia. Hollywood got the script back, and substituted more than a few lines when they had problems translating it from Mongolian back to English.

Or it was written by psychotic apes. Because I cannot believe a steaming pile of crap script as terrible as Twilight was given the green light.

The pacing. Oh gawd the snail-paced movie drove J and I up the wall. I mean we can tolerate crappy movies (see: Doomsday and 10,000 B.C. etc.) but a slow AND crappy movie?

-- "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". NOT.

Just how long do I need to see the 2 climbing very tall trees from different angles?

-- F*cking tree hopping.

Or him glistening in the sun?
Or Bella doing one of her "what the f*ck is going on"/ "do I smell? why does he think I smell? My hair doesn't smell right? oh gawd I must stink. who does he think he is to give me the stink-face?" faces?

Yes Bella, you stink. Your acting stinks. Don't look so confused.


If you haven't watched Twilight and have decided against watching it, I applaud you for saving 2 hours of your life you'll never get back.

  • A very mopey non-smiley girl went to live with her dad in a mopey non-sunny town.
  • Met a very pale boy with ruby lips.
  • Fell in love with pale ruby-lipped vampire who is perhaps, one of the most "I'm so in touched with my inner emotions" male species I've come across.

[Because men like that do not exist due to that pesky Y chromosome they have at birth.]

Edward, you'll be more swoonsome if you lose the faux sensitivity.

  • A vampire who's very in touch with his feelings. Listens to Debussy and tells the girl he fancies to not be his friend while he's the one making the move the whole time.

(Note to author: men do not tell girls they fancy to stay away. The men will just stay away like plague. Period. Men don't vocalise.)

-- People line up during a showdown. Vampires do that too.

Also, Twilight is perhaps a sex education movie in poor disguise. Where abstinence rules and coming to a big screen near you! The whole "I'm hooked on your scent it's like my personal brand of heroin but I won't kiss you for too long because I don't know if I can control myself" is just... sex-ed in disguise.

As a twenty-something, I find the whole movie... silly and an utter waste of time. A movie only teenagers will fall irrevocably in love with.

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